My Wonderful Self

Today has been an extreme blah day. So blah in fact, I loaded up the kids in an attempt to escape the blahs at our house. This morning while doing my online banking, I noticed a certain husband who shall remain nameless spent $10.40 on "the most amazing pastrami sandwich I've eaten since I had one in New York" earlier this week. Upon this discovery, I decided to throw caution to the wind and splurge on the sub-food at McDonald's before heading to the park with the kids.

Ah, the park. The sunshine, the shade trees, the french fries scattered in the dirt under our picnic table - it was enough to chase away the blahs for the afternoon or at least for the hour and a half we were there sweating. - I've come to despise the Midwest's humid environment. Mom says my skin will look great when I'm old thanks to the moist air so, I suppose the trade off is worth all the discomfort. - Once the kids were red-faced and had damp hair, I loaded them up and headed home just in time to lay Jack and Sophie down for a late nap.

I distracted Isaac with art supplies (child-safe scissors, paper, crayons, and a glue stick) and managed to sit in a nearly quiet house for a few minutes - silence, plus the sound of paper being cut and an occasional question from the four year old across the table from me. "What did I spell?" - after reviewing the newly created word "PIOOOS" I had to honestly tell him I didn't know what the word was, "but good job writing those letters, buddy."

It felt great to escape the routine I established on purpose - just last week. How hilarious! I need to face the facts - I thrive in chaos. Sad, but true. BUT, I still have anal tendencies such as the laundry being sorted by color and type, how the bath towels are folded and keeping the refrigerator clean. WHATHEHECK! I am a procrastinating perfectionist - and have yet to figure out what that means for my day-to-day life. Routine?- doesn't happen. Chaos and clutter?- drives me nuts.

Over the next few weeks I hope to find my own balance to being just Me (Hello, Mom! I finally get it: "I'm just me." - yeah, heard it since I was 17 and now it has finally taken root). I need to kill all my pre-conceived ideas of what a stay-at-home mother of four should look like (Joan Cleaver - 1950's housewife). This doesn't mean lowering my standards but it does mean changing my standards to fit within the scope of reality. All of you are wonderful people, beyond me in organization and cleanliness, but still wonderful - just not Me. I guess this is the point at which I stop the comparisons to all you wonderfuls and strike out on my own - to be my own sort of wonderful.

Maybe one day young mothers will compare themselves to me, "Yeah, I want to structure my life like that wonderful, Midwest suburbian mother of who knows how many children. You know, the one with the really great skin."

So, here's to Joan Cleaver. May she rest in peace!!!