I've made a very valuable observation as I've been trying to established a nice, little routine in our home. Since first becoming a SAHM a few years ago I have seen a steady growth in the amount of tasks that are falling under my list of responsibilities alone rather than being shared by both Brian and I. I don't know if this is because I'm getting better at "doing it all" or if I'm being suckered into letting Brian off the hook all too often.
We used to share meal prep and clean up, diapers, kids' baths and the deep cleaning of the kitchen and bathrooms. Now, if I ask for help in these areas I get a wide range of reactions from Bri - all indicating that I'm slacking on "my job". What I can't figure out is the point at which all these tasks became part of my job description! Then, today I had a revelation when I saw the exploding trash can left in the kitchen (again).
It has, by mere default, been B's job to take the trash out as he leaves for work on trash day each week. But, the past couple of weeks I've had to scramble to find appropriate attire in order to dash outside so I can beat the trash collector to our large, outdoor can so all our gross trash will be disposed of and not sit alongside our house - rotting in the can for an extra week. What's amazing is that our full, often overflowing, smelly trash can is usually, ingeniously positioned in the middle of the kitchen floor each week so a certain husband will have to literally trip over the thing to get out the door...yet for the past few weeks the trash has remained in our kitchen and the neighbors have seen a less than desirable side of me in the early morning hours on trash day. The grand revelation you may ask? - that if I take that trash out for another week this will be added to my task list!!! Don't you get it, people?!?!?! It will become MY JOB!
By my dear, sweet husband slacking ever-so-slightly and me coming along each morning and taking up his slack , I am in fact taking on HIS responsibilities one by one...so then a month from now when I ask him to not forget the trash he is wondering why I can't do MY JOB!!! Isn't that a HUGE revelation?!?!?! So, how did I become the do-it-all-queen with a male assistant rather than an equal partner? By taking on tasks as needed over and over and over and oops, it has become my job!
Now, I must admit that most of my responsibilities stem from the fact that I stay at home with the kids. I do feel that Brian works very hard all day long and I should do the same. At times my to-do list overflows on into the evenings - not a problem. But, my beef is with the fact that now nearly everything that needs to be accomplished day-to-day falls under my job description - leaving me to seek out help with my male counterpart.
Okay, okay - think of it like this...
If everything wasn't "my job" both Brian and I would set out to accomplish what needs to be done - such as cleaning up dinner, wiping down the kids, getting them to bed. But, when every freakin' task is mine alone to get done I find myself being such a nag - "Hey, babe could you get Jack, he's smearing cheese in his hair", "Sweetie, can you hand me those dishes on the table and get Jack, he's throwing cheese at Sophie", "Bri, can you PLEASE take the cheese from Jack, and get that chunk out of Sophie's hair", "Brian, argh!!! - I'll do it myself!"
How are responsibilities split in your home? Do you define them, do you do it all yourself only calling on hubby for assistance, or have you figured out the key to tricking him into doing it all himself only calling on you to assist? And, for those of you that have balance in this area of marriage and family life, please write a book or something for the rest of us.
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6 comments:
Honestly, I think Brian does more than most husbands. It's still fresh in my mind what it's like to go to work for someone else...very, very exhausting. Even though you have to deal with the children, you are more relaxed all day.
Now I'm not letting Brian off the hook. FZ says that whatever cannot be accomplished during the day, the working spouse should help with like baths, dinner, etc. I once heard a preacher say that the husband should give his wife one day a week off so that she can have some down time. I don't feel that much is necessary for me, but some time during the evening or weekend would be nice.
In our house Tim's always been the trash guy. I shouldn't stereo-type jobs, but I do. I don't change the oil and I don't mow the lawn...simply because it gives me a headache. Tim doesn't like to inside chores. As long as everyone agrees on who prefers to do what then all that matters is what works for you.
When I worked outside the home I wanted everything more equal with chores even though it wasn't. Now I feel like I should continue doing more responsibilities since I am home. Besides with my anal repulsiveness, it's best for me to do it so it gets done correctly everytime :) Just remember I don't have 3 kids all under the age of 5 and one on the way. That one on the way makes a guge differece in your energy level. But keep having those kids and soon you can train them to do all your chores and watch the little ones while you do whatever Lori wants to do,a nd then convince Brian that you have worked so hard all day...just kidding.
That's a plan! More kids the better, right??? But, for now, the kids just enjoy making messes -although Isaac has his shining moments. He's already a great Mama's helper - and Sophie is right on his heels. Jack covered his crib in poop yesterday, so he has a long way to go.
I totally agree that Brian does way more than most husbands. He is wonderful!!! - and he tells me that nearly everyday. =) BUT, I wish I didn't have to ask for help all the time and that he'd do things without me having to delegate every task. He knows this but still calls me "Boss" and still maintains that there are tasks that are mine - not his. Fine, I guess - since I don't mow the lawn or work on the cars or lay hardwood flooring or put up closet shelves - though I do clean the floors and the clothing that goes in the closets, over and over. Too funny.
Another deleted comment. So interesting. Why am I so obsessed w/deleted comments?
Dividing tasks? For some reason it seems to naturally happen for Brian and I. He is gone a little over 12 hours a day and so I pretty much try to do all the household stuff. I cook, clean, laundry, pick up messes, bills, take out daily trash and I also try to take the trash/recycling to the curb. I also had a revelation reading FZ and I agreed that if my husband is doing hard labor for 10 hours a day (he commutes for a total of two a day) than I should try to work equally as hard. I totally don't, though. I take breaks, have long lunches, get on the computer, chat on the phone, hang out w/neighbors, etc.
I love yard work and so I try and mow, weed, plant, etc. I do pull the "but your the boy" card if I don't feel like taking the trash out and he's home or if I don't feel like locking up the house at night.
Brian always helps me clean up after the meal or will take Emme and get her dressed for bed. He jumps in and helps when he sees need or if I ask. He continues to get Corban ready for bed almost every night.
I do give baths as Corban has had one too many bad hair washing experiences w/Brian and it took a lot of work from those to get him to even allow us to bathe him again LOL!
I feel sorry for my husband that he has to work so hard so that we can only scrape by. I want to make his life easier and I wish that he could get more of the things he loves, like a wii and whatnot.
That is another reason I feel it is my job to be the best little tightwad I can be so that I can "earn" money by not spending it.
I still had to remind Tim to take the trash out almost every week. I guess they just have other things on their mind. Tim would always excuse himself from chores by saying "you didn't tell me to." I would respond with "who tells me to do it?"
Well, I sound like I am bashing my husband now. He actually does a lot for me.
I read this post to Bri late last night. "Come on! Do people believe that crap?" was his response. HA! Then, he fell asleep watching the science channel and I couldn't get any more of a reaction from him.
I was smiling to myself as I wrote the post yesterday with the kids swarming my person. But, I guess I sound like a snot to some degree (especially compared to Elizabeth's selfless sacrifices to one day secure a Wii for her Brian!!).
Yes, ladies, I am spoiled and a snot on a somewhat regular basis. Brian calls me a pain in his butt often and takes care of me and the kids above and beyond the call of duty anyway. He even crosses our unspoken lines -clearly defined in our family job descriptions- and takes up the slack for my job. That slack usually comes in the form of dinner. The man doesn't cook anymore but he can retrieve a meal within minutes if needed.
And, I must say this blog is completely bias and holds to a very slanted view of my life and current happenings - all predetermined by my ever-changing moods and how this pregnancy is progressing. Readers beware! =)
And, for Brian - if you ever have your eyes grace this blog - you are appreciated and very much loved but you forgot the trash again.
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